Warning: Unedited First draft, read at your own peril

Sisyphus is a mortal condemned by Zeus to push a boulder up a slope. When he reaches the top of the slope, the boulder automatically falls down and he has to start again. Sounds like a nightmare right? A work that is never completed?

When sisyphus is pushing the boulder, he has only one thing on his mind. To push the boulder up. Why should he push the boulder up? Because the gods commanded it. The ultimate reason: The wishes of the divine. So he had reason and he had a goal thus he had meaning in his work. But what about when the boulder reaches the top? Imagine if the boulder never fell back down. Would he still have meaning? How would he find meaning?

This is my dilemma when I feel like a project is about to end. I feel hollow inside, I gave everything to a project and yet I am left with a vague feeling. This usually slows me down at the end of my projects. It’s a struggle getting the boulder up with the goal in sight. What would I do next? Would ideas for future projects be worth pursuing? My mind wavers.

Ultimately I know I must complete this project to find out the answers of what would I do next. Ultimately I know it’s pointless to ponder such questions right now. But a part of me remains afraid that I won’t find meaning again.

Yesterday I went to San Diego Botanical Gardens. It wasn’t as grand as the ones in Chicago but I got some familiar things. Peepal trees, banana trees and mango ones too. I was reminded of beautiful things outside my work. I had forgotten all about it. No, I just hid in my work from the outside world.

People can give meaning to each other’s life too. I know I gave my parents meaning for the first 18 years of my life. In some sense, I still give them meaning cause I am their unfinished work in their eyes. But in another sense, they are free from pushing that boulder. It scares me. I don’t want to be the reason for someone’s life and I don’t want to burden others as being a reason for mine.

For some reason today, I was just reminded of this. What do we live for? Well, I still have a boulder to push. Maybe someday after that, I will go visit that garden again. Sit in afternoon, rays floating through the leaves, a breeze passing by, and a cacophony of colours to see. Maybe someday when I visit that garden again, I wonder what will accompany me?